I just watched this beautiful video that not only spoke
to me, but also shaped this post. Do watch it, such beauty in those little
words.
19 years, my biggest fear, people. Safe to say people are
by far the worst. We talk about how ‘bad’ animals can be, but people are worse.
We are worse. We can rip a person’s heart out, stomp all over it, smash it and
yet we’d expect an apology for getting our shoes dirty. We can be the worst
kind of creation, we can ruin a life, we can ruin a dream, and we can ruin a
future just by our words. Language was made to be beautiful, we have made it
ugly.
I am 19 and my biggest fear, people.
People come in different colors, sizes, shapes, people
come and they scare the shit out of me.
For most of these 19 years the only story I have to tell
is one where in I sound like a coward, like a loser, a misfit, an outcast. Or so
I thought.
People hurt, they break, they ruin.
But people can be beautiful, amazing, unbelievable.
19 years and I have so many more faces to see. 19 going
on 20, and I am finally ready to face the world.
I come from a broken past filled with shame, mistakes and an unbelievable amount of tears. I come from a broken life.
For so long, for so many years I was defined by my
choices, by my lifestyle, by the clothes I wear, by my hair colour, by my
choice of coffee over beer, by my choice of writing over drugs.
For so long I was defined by my mistakes, by the friends I
choose to be seen with, by the love I chose to love, by the mistakes I made whilst
learning.
For so long I let people define me.
You will build walls, thinking, hoping they’d protect
you. You will build ammunition assuming you’re going to need it. You will try
your best, and hardest to protect yourself, but to live, to really live, you must
be willing to face the alternative, death.
What are you ‘afraid’ of?
-
People?
-
Mere mundane humans?
What are you ‘afraid’ of?
When there isn’t anything to be afraid of.
I’m too young, I’m too broken, I’m too messed up, I’m too
lost, I am my past.
- Lies.
The most common reason people, in our churches, in
society think we’re not ‘good enough’ to make a difference is merely because
they take the seat of God and ‘JUDGE’ us. We are always going to be too young,
too messed up, too incapable for them. They don’t look at how far we’ve come,
or how much we’ve been through, they look at us like we’re a mess they need to
fix.
If I sat on my sofa and listened to everything everyone
said to me, where would I be?
I would be lost, crying, weeping, ready to jump down that
7th floor. I would be dyslexic, I would be a loser, I would be what
everyone said I was going to be. I would not be the daughter of the most high
God, not because I wasn’t but because I let people tell me I wasn’t.
Had I listened to those teachers back in school, had I listened
to my peers, had I listened to those family members, I would have been a
failure ready to jump down that 7th floor or take those pills.
Why are we so scared to live? Why are we so scared to
make mistakes? WHY ARE WE SO SCARED OF PEOPLE?
Everyone is going to TALK, you might be the next big
thing or the next headline. Let them talk, they may call you ugly, they may
call you fake, they may call you a mistake. STOP CARING.
People don’t define you, your choices, you past, your
relationships DO NOT DEFINE YOU.
You are beautifully and wonderfully created by someone
who loves you,
so what are you afraid of?
What that boy will say if you don’t wear shorts and a
t-back?
What that aunty will say if you don’t sit prim and proper
in church?
What that friend will say if you choose coffee over beer?
What that girl will say if you don’t wear makeup or stop
doing your hair?
What that friend of yours would say if you tried to give
up smoking?
What are you afraid of?
You have nothing to be afraid of, not that boy, not that
girl, not that friend, not that aunty, YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF.
You may have had the most disgusting past, you may have
had the worst life, you may have come from the pit. But look at yourself in the
mirror, if you can’t face yourself, look to God. He is the best mirror you will
ever find. You are not defined by what people call you, you are defined by what
God calls you.
People will tell you to give up, they will tell you are
nothing more than your mistakes. Do not believe them.
You are a story waiting to be written,
You are a testimony waiting to be told
You are ENOUGH.
Who am I to say this?
-
I am a creation of the creator; I am the
daughter of the most high God. I am 19, I am broken, and most times I make
mistakes. I am not perfect. But God didn’t ask me to be perfect, he asked me to
BE.
To whoever reads this, if you’re feeling small, lost,
alone, you’re not. I have stood there, I have been there, and we’re not the
only ones.
And to everyone who told me I needed to be ‘fixed’, God’s
doing his thing, you may not know what it is, I don’t know what it is, but he
is doing his thing. If you’ve read this, and you’re judging me, take a deep
look inside you, are you sure you want to judge?
I may not be the ‘good girl’ you thought I was. But I am
not something that can be defined by mere words,
I am something.
I am the something that will be remembered,
I am the something that will make history
I am something that will do the little things you can't see.
