The 10 Things 10 Years Thought Me

As a part of an assignment for my writing course, I was asked to write a letter to my 10 year old self, and list 5 or more lessons I’d like to let her in on. So I went on this journey down memory lane, tears pouring out of my eyes I wrote her a letter.

And I have chosen to share these life lessons here.

The 10 life lessons I learnt in the last 10 years.

Lesson no. 1 - People/Life will keep stealing your food, your clothes, your money, your house, your family, your friends, your lover, your heart, your brain, your soul. But they will never be able to steal the magic only your heart can make.

Lesson no. 2 - Baby you will meet a lot of ‘Friends’ in the next 10 years, most of whom you feel will attend your wedding and walk down the aisle as your bridesmaids, unfortunately they won’t. Most you will call ‘Best friends’ they will be the first to leave, they will sugar coat lies and give you unrealistic promises, you will love these ‘Best friends’ with all the love you deem possible, you will give them parts of yourself, but baby girl, THEY WILL LEAVE, there are no absolutes in life just what if’s and if not’s. Don’t be disheartened, this will not be the end.  Your people are the ones you choose, these people will be there with you, and if and when they leave you will be at peace, knowing these people played their part and in return loved you with everything they had in them. If people have to leave baby girl, let them, learn to let go of what you can’t control.

Lesson no. 3 - You may say you hate a lot of people, but inside of you, you have love, and only love. Love will save you, love will triumph pain, love will triumph heartbreak, love will triumph hate. You learn to forgive yourself, by loving yourself.

Lesson no. 4 - Beauty is not defined by if your waist is 24, or if you wear a sports bra or a push-up, it is not defined by the brands your mother buys you, or makeup you use, beauty is not defined by the way you tie your hair or how pretty your dress is , it is not defined by the boy you date or the bag you carry to school. Beauty is defined by YOU, you were beautiful when you were in you mothers arms, you were beautiful when you were 1, you were beautiful when you touched 9, you were beautiful the day you decided you wanted longer hair and you were beautiful the day you wanted it short again. You are beautiful irrespective of your chest size or your waist size. You are beautiful because your mind is beautiful, you are beautiful because your soul is beautiful, you are beautiful because God made you beautiful, you are beautiful because you choose to be beautiful, you are beauty, and the right man will see the beauty I see right now.

Lesson no. 5 - You are Free Baby girl, just go fly now.

Lesson no. 6 - Forgiveness is the key to sanity. Keep forgiving, you will never go mad.

Lesson no. 7 - Love is not a game, you do not have to win, you simply have to love. You want a kiss in the rain? You’re going to get one. You want to wake up one morning with his arms wrapped around you? You will get that too. You will get the love you want, because you gave the love you deserve. Your perfect love is out there, but don’t search him in every person that passes by, don’t search him at all. Love will find you when you need it the most. Till then love the people who love you.

Lesson no. 8 - You can only be as broken as you choose to be. You can either choose to be broken in public or choose to be broken in private. Irrespective, you are going to need people no matter what. Look for your people.

Lesson no. 9 - You’ve got this 1 life; you get moments, make memories, good or bad, make them. Moments stay; even after the curtain call, even after the actors leave, the moment will always stay. Do something for yourself, and trust in this, that the ones who love you right now, will love you forever, they may leave, but the love will never.

Lesson no. 10 - Smile, laugh, love, live. Don’t let anybody tell you otherwise, you are beautiful, honest and a wonderful friend. If a relationship ended, learn from it. Remember don’t shut out the people who care about you. Let them in, you don’t need a special someone with a key to open that locked door, open the goddam door and let your demons out, let the people you love and you meet, see the real you, let them choose if they want to love you, and if they don’t, let them go.

Be you,

Always be you,

Choose you,

Always choose you.

2014 | The Year that has been - by a girl that is.

I have chosen to start this post with a poem from my ‘The Word Series’, this poem sums up what my raging emotions look like. It is also something I hold very close to my heart, I have started writing a series of poems which I call ‘Poems to You’ they are not written for a specific person nor do they have a recipient. They are just written because I have been given these beautifully essential words.

And now, to begin my post

2014|THE YEAR IN REVIEW BY THE GIRL THAT WAS

Moments, this tragic yet insanely beautiful year was filled with so much pain, loss, hurt, heart break, stories, joys, change, and eventually ends, that it can only be summed up in one word, Moments.

There were tragedies that questioned humanity itself, and I’d love to talk about all the wrongs that were done to this planet and its civilization, but not right now. I have come to believe in this essential truth, there is, and always will be a specific moment for everything, nothing happens by chance or by mistake.

2014 had moments of great tragedy, an insane amount of tears, and moments that changed the course of life as I knew it.

I wasn't prepared for the pain that would come along with a broken heart, nor was I prepared for harsh truths that shook my roots and shot a bullet hole through my heart. I’d grown up believing I wasn't worth a lot, and that to be given love I’d have to love selflessly. I looked for this thing called love under the bed and in the corners of a dark room, I looked for love in words and smiles, I looked for love in a boy. No one will ever tell you this, but never look for love in a boy, never look for love anywhere but yourself. I loved selflessly, but the timing wasn't right nor was the person and eventually trying to push it pushed everything.

Timing – This one word is so important; we tend to always forget we don’t really have a lot of time. We use it on the wrong people, the wrong things and the wrong moments, and then we regret.

Regret – It is such a strong word that would break a heart. I don’t regret a thing. Having no regrets is something that changed the way I look at 2014. The inevitable loss occurs non the less but one thing about having no regrets is, you know you were meant to loss the person at some point.

Loss – Tragic would sum up the amount of loss this year bought me, not only physical loss but emotional loss as well. Death chose to take a person very close to me, it left me gasping for air at 2am. But life stole more, I lost love, I lost friends, I lost pieces. I broke hearts and I got my heart broken, I lost.

Heart break – I promise to prepare the young ones for this, I promise to prepare my children for this. The harsh truth of life, heart break is inevitable, and so essential in forming our own image of ourselves. I had 2 choices when I felt my insides die, I felt the rain fall and I felt my surroundings flood, and when the water took over me, when I was drowning, that’s when I could finally breathe. I chose the light over the darkness that surrounded me.

|You not wanting me was the beginning of me wanting myself|

But how can a year be filled with so much loss, and not have an equal amount of gain?

Love – A 4 letter word, no definition, no explanation, nothing. Love is just love.

Self-love – A few moments caused a bulldozer to go over my relationship with God, and to be honest, I kept telling God he left me not realizing I was the one leaving him. But then one day I was introduced to this emotion, this kind of love I never knew existed, I was introduced to self-love. I would deem myself inadequate every time I looked in the mirror. Inadequate I am not, because now, every-time I look into the mirror I am reminded of why God created me, and his love never really ended or gave up on me, all I really needed to do was love what he created.

Joy – I found joy, being someone, being a sort of inspiration to the kids I’d volunteered with.

I found a resurrected love for baking and making something that could bring smiles. I found joy in travel, and discovering a city alone. I found joy on this journey I've chosen to take myself on.

I found a job, an insane journey that has been, but it also continues to be one of the most joyful things I have ever done.

I may have lost a lot of important people, but I found a few that define the word family.

Family isn't always blood, family sometimes ends up being these beautiful people you meet on your journey. What I find most beautiful in a person is almost never physical, I fell in love with so many minds, so many hearts touched mine, and on this journey I found family.

I finally understood that home isn't a place or a city, home is the people you feel most at home with, the ones who understand you, the ones who hear you crying cities away, the ones who end up being your 3am phone calls, the ones you opened locked doors to, the ones who had the key.

I learnt the subtle difference between love and lust. My sister thought me that, and after what seemed like a very hard life, my sister found her happy ever after, my sister found love.

And I could go on with the year that has been. But I’ll stop here. I changed, multiple times, and I changed, into someone I think I love, I think I've finally changed into me.

In life we have moments, we don’t get forever’s, we get moments, we get choices, we get happy or sad.

Always choose happy

Always choose happy

Always choose what brings you joy, choose what fills your heart with love, and never settle for less.

Choose you | I chose me 

The Word Series #1

Presenting The Word Series

I have an obsession with words, poetry and paper. Through these few notes I hope to touch hearts, and maybe eventually leave my mark.

I didn't start playing with words, just because I could. I started playing with words because I know no other way of surviving this dark, evil, messed up world.

#1

To being looked down on.
To being That Girl

Dear baby girl ---- A letter to the girl with a broken heart

Eyes dark

Mind clouded

Heart torn into shreds

What do you do with a girl like her?

-------Love her

Dear baby girl,

It’s been a hard 2 years; your plans had to be changed time and again. I know it’s hard, I know you cry yourself to bed. I know you wish you could find a way out or just run. I know you want to run away. I know you want to live a different life; most times you don’t want to do life.

Most times I don’t want to do life either, I don’t like it here, I don’t like my situation, I don’t like the people I’m forced to acknowledge. You’re not alone baby girl.

I know you had it hard, I know you don’t trust a lot. I know he broke your heart, I know he played with your smile, I know. I know that girl called you fat, I know you don’t feel pretty no more. I know that boy there didn’t like you back. It’s been a hard few years baby.

But you’re a fighter baby,

You’ve come so far baby

You fought so hard baby

You’re strong baby

Your life isn’t a waste; your life has become a beautiful story. Someday I want to hear it.

Trust me baby girl, you are beautiful, he doesn’t need to be the one saying that.

He left baby, he walked away.

All good things come to an end, don’t believe that lie baby.

Good things last forever, he wasn’t a good thing.

I know you’re tired of lying, stop.

You will survive, baby girl you’re not even 20 yet, you will survive.

I know,

Because I did. 

Dear Boy - A letter from a beautiful mess

Scarred,

Hurt,

Broken,

Consumed

He ripped her heart out, threw it on the barren ground, stomped all over it letting the blood ooze out, looked her straight in the eye and asked her to apologize for getting his shoes dirty.

‘Sorry’ before the word walked out her dry lips she stopped, she didn’t say it, for the first time in 8 years she didn’t say it.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Boy who broke her heart,

I write this letter, simply out of concern. I write this letter simply because I feel. Dear boy, did you notice the way she looked at you? Did you catch the glimpse of joy in her voice as she spoke to you on your birthday? Did you watch the way her lips curved into that specific smile she kept hidden just for you?

Did you notice that she loved you?

Of course you didn’t, or maybe you did.

Her heart wasn’t yours to break, her mind wasn’t yours to consume. Yet those are the very things you took. Most call it unrequited love, simply trying to rationalize the situation. But that wasn't it. 

To her, love was selfless, and never to be returned. School didn't teach her much, life was now her education. She trusted, she let you cut her heart open, reach to the depths just because you asked. But you didn't want the real her, you wanted the vision you had of her. 

You are too young to understand that a girl like her wanted nothing more than to be loved in return. I wish you'd have asked me. She just wanted to be held by strong arms, arms she knew her whole life, but those very arms let her fall. Those very hands she loved to hold ripped her heart out. 

You are too young to see that she gave everything, only to be left with nothing. 

Dear Boy who broke that beautiful girls’ heart, I hope sleep comes to you easily; she keeps up till 3 for you to. But I also hope you grow up, not regretting, not wanting what you already lost.

Because Dear Boy, you stole what simply wasn't yours. 

What are you AFRAID of?

I just watched this beautiful video that not only spoke to me, but also shaped this post. Do watch it, such beauty in those little words.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZIr85Rxln0

19 years, my biggest fear, people. Safe to say people are by far the worst. We talk about how ‘bad’ animals can be, but people are worse. We are worse. We can rip a person’s heart out, stomp all over it, smash it and yet we’d expect an apology for getting our shoes dirty. We can be the worst kind of creation, we can ruin a life, we can ruin a dream, and we can ruin a future just by our words. Language was made to be beautiful, we have made it ugly.

I am 19 and my biggest fear, people.

People come in different colors, sizes, shapes, people come and they scare the shit out of me.

For most of these 19 years the only story I have to tell is one where in I sound like a coward, like a loser, a misfit, an outcast. Or so I thought.

People hurt, they break, they ruin.

But people can be beautiful, amazing, unbelievable.

19 years and I have so many more faces to see. 19 going on 20, and I am finally ready to face the world.

I come from a broken past filled with shame, mistakes and an unbelievable amount of tears. I come from a broken life.

For so long, for so many years I was defined by my choices, by my lifestyle, by the clothes I wear, by my hair colour, by my choice of coffee over beer, by my choice of writing over drugs.

For so long I was defined by my mistakes, by the friends I choose to be seen with, by the love I chose to love, by the mistakes I made whilst learning.

For so long I let people define me.

You will build walls, thinking, hoping they’d protect you. You will build ammunition assuming you’re going to need it. You will try your best, and hardest to protect yourself, but to live, to really live, you must be willing to face the alternative, death.

What are you ‘afraid’ of?

-          People?

-          Mere mundane humans?

What are you ‘afraid’ of?

When there isn’t anything to be afraid of.

I’m too young, I’m too broken, I’m too messed up, I’m too lost, I am my past.

- Lies.

The most common reason people, in our churches, in society think we’re not ‘good enough’ to make a difference is merely because they take the seat of God and ‘JUDGE’ us. We are always going to be too young, too messed up, too incapable for them. They don’t look at how far we’ve come, or how much we’ve been through, they look at us like we’re a mess they need to fix.

If I sat on my sofa and listened to everything everyone said to me, where would I be?

I would be lost, crying, weeping, ready to jump down that 7^th floor. I would be dyslexic, I would be a loser, I would be what everyone said I was going to be. I would not be the daughter of the most high God, not because I wasn’t but because I let people tell me I wasn’t.

Had I listened to those teachers back in school, had I listened to my peers, had I listened to those family members, I would have been a failure ready to jump down that 7^th floor or take those pills.

Why are we so scared to live? Why are we so scared to make mistakes? WHY ARE WE SO SCARED OF PEOPLE?

Everyone is going to TALK, you might be the next big thing or the next headline. Let them talk, they may call you ugly, they may call you fake, they may call you a mistake. STOP CARING.

People don’t define you, your choices, you past, your relationships DO NOT DEFINE YOU.

You are beautifully and wonderfully created by someone who loves you,

so what are you afraid of?

What that boy will say if you don’t wear shorts and a t-back?

What that aunty will say if you don’t sit prim and proper in church?

What that friend will say if you choose coffee over beer?

What that girl will say if you don’t wear makeup or stop doing your hair?

What that friend of yours would say if you tried to give up smoking?

What are you afraid of?

You have nothing to be afraid of, not that boy, not that girl, not that friend, not that aunty, YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF.

You may have had the most disgusting past, you may have had the worst life, you may have come from the pit. But look at yourself in the mirror, if you can’t face yourself, look to God. He is the best mirror you will ever find. You are not defined by what people call you, you are defined by what God calls you.

People will tell you to give up, they will tell you are nothing more than your mistakes. Do not believe them.

You are a story waiting to be written,

You are a testimony waiting to be told

You are ENOUGH.

Who am I to say this?

-          I am a creation of the creator; I am the daughter of the most high God. I am 19, I am broken, and most times I make mistakes. I am not perfect. But God didn’t ask me to be perfect, he asked me to BE.

To whoever reads this, if you’re feeling small, lost, alone, you’re not. I have stood there, I have been there, and we’re not the only ones.

And to everyone who told me I needed to be ‘fixed’, God’s doing his thing, you may not know what it is, I don’t know what it is, but he is doing his thing. If you’ve read this, and you’re judging me, take a deep look inside you, are you sure you want to judge?

I may not be the ‘good girl’ you thought I was. But I am not something that can be defined by mere words,

I am something.

I am the something that will be remembered,

I am the something that will make history

I am something that will do the little things you can't see. 

Be You ---- Part 3 ---- Dear You

Dear you,

Whoever you are, wherever you’re from, here’s a little truth I’d like to share.

Don’t trust too much, the people who say they’d always be there, are most likely going to be the ones to walk away first. I don’t blame them, after seeing a tornado come who wouldn’t run, I would too. So don’t trust too much.

If you’re like me you’d draw lines and build walls, but then that one person comes crossing all the lines, breaking all the walls, and you let them. You let them see the inner most side of you; you let them call you their ‘best friend’. Then a storm comes your way, if you’re like me, it wouldn’t be a big storm, but a storm’s a storm. And you start fighting for them, for your ‘friendship’. Does it really exist?

So you build another wall, but they break it down again, if you’re like me, you let them. And it starts again, this game of charades. You play to win but you always lose.

You can fight as much as you like, for the friendship, for the relationship, but if you’re the only one fighting, what’s the point? You’re the type of person who’d never give up on people, but slowly you’re starting to lose your faith in humanity.  How much more will you fight for a person that doesn’t want to be fought for? How many tears will you shed for a person who doesn’t even know?

Action speaks louder than words, but all you ever did was hear what they had to say but never see what they did. Their words were like a black veil covering your eyes telling you that trusting them was the right thing to do. You ignored their actions because to you, words speak louder.

And you could fight; you could fight till your last breadth, but is it worth it? Will it ever be worth it?

Don’t trust too much, they’d be the people that let you down the most.

If you’d asked me a month back, I would have said ‘fight’. I would have said fight with everything you have, because some people are just that important, you would have done a lot for her, you would have fought.

But I’m not that girl anymore, some people are worth fighting for, some just aren’t. You can’t always be the only one fighting, so know when to stop. Sometimes instead of fighting, you just need to let go, you need to know you expected more than they were ever will to give, you EXPECTED.

So what do you do next? Do you give up? Build another wall? Draw another line?

If you’d have asked me a month ago, I would have said yes.

But I’m not that girl any more.

Lines are drawn to be crossed; walls are built to be broken. Neither of the 2 ever stay, someone will come along and cross all your lines and break all your walls.

So stop drawing lines and building walls, it makes you look like a coward. You can’t keep shutting out because of one person.

Live, because this is your life.

Live, because you have every right to.

Be more cautious about people, not life. Take a good enough risk, so that 10 years from now you don’t regret it.

Forgive because you were made out of forgiveness.

Make the changes you need to make, let go of the toxic ones, but don’t build walls.

Let the rain touch your barren skin.

Let the sun kiss your cheek.

Don’t fight more than you should.

Because one day you will find a person who is willing to fight for you.

And to end it,

Be You,

Because you’re Good enough.

Because you are Enough