Moments

Moments, they change us, the reveal us, they make us. Most times, it takes one moment to completely change our perspective on life, but sometimes, it takes a few bad days, heartbreak, and more than just one moment to change us.

I got my moment in 4 days; I got my change in 4 days.

4 intense days of beautiful pain.

I went on a trip to Aurangabad for a rather interesting camp. I went on the trip to run away from the city, even though it was for just 7 days. I left my home with a heavy heart and an ocean full of tears that I just couldn’t let out. I have always known that tears were not a sign of weakness but rather strength, and yet in this case I could not let them out. As I sat in the train, in the midst of people yet so very alone, I pondered over the events that made me want to go away, I was talking about it non-stop, I kept thinking about the what if’s, I kept wondering what could have been, 8 hours of over thinking and still not being able to cry. No one in that train knew my story, no one knew the pain, and I was in no place to talk about it. As I got off the train at Aurangabad I made a promise to myself and God, that I would not think about what I had left behind even if for just a week, I just got my second chance, and I was going to run and get it, I deserved this and I would get it.

But I still thought about it, I still had a heavy heart, and I still had tears, an unimaginable amount of them shut inside of me not willing to come out. 1 day in and the past week was still haunting me, I wanted my ‘what if’ to come about, but God had different plans.

2 days into the camp, and I had my first moment.

We had to be a part of ministry time, generally I had always had people pray over me and I didn’t know how ‘praying over someone’ worked, I had never done it before, and here I was in the middle of 500+ boys wondering what to do, How to pray, And who to pray for. They had prepared us for what would happen, but I still wasn’t ready, because deep down I didn’t really know what to do.

Then just before ministry time and said 2 little words to God, ‘Help me’.

The music played, and I walked down the aisle to the row I was in charge of praying for, I let my hands lose, and out of the blue I could feel myself fade, I could feel power go out of me, I could feel less. I walked, and walked some more till I found the first boy I was asked to pray for, I placed my hand over his shoulder and that’s when it happened, I smiled, he cried. I smiled because that was exactly what I needed, I realised that I wasn’t losing myself, I was losing my burden, I was losing my pain, and I was helping some random child lose it to. And for the first time in my 8 years of being a Christian, I felt the Holy Spirit flow out of me, for the first time I felt like I was more than a lost cause, and finally I knew why I was here.

The intensity of each hour kept increasing; the session for the girls was even more powerful, even more intense, even better. As we left the auditorium I felt light, I felt different, I felt new.

I had a wall built, I had this idea that I’d go to this place and be alone, I didn’t want to make friends, I just didn’t want anything. But again, God had a different plan. 3 days later, and I knew every person at that place, I befriended everyone, and for an introvert that is a big deal. I didn’t need someone else to break this new wall I had built just a few days back; I ended up doing it myself.

5 days into camp, a little bit of the past came back, and I felt myself being pulled down again, that day also happened to be the second ministry day. I pushed back the tears and asked God to take over, and as usual, he did. Intense would be an understatement, it was way beyond that, as I touched each boy and girl I felt the love of God fill them, I felt the unending love of God within me go out, and again that moment touched me.

I realised that I would never truly forget the past, the hurt I felt and the moment that broke me, but I learnt that it’s called the past for a reason, I could never go back and relive it or change it, all I could do was let it go, and let go of the person that cause the pain. The minute I did that, I felt new emotions, new joys and ultimately I felt complete.

And the final moment that changed me, the final moment that completely touched me was with a girl.

At the session for the girls, I went up to this girl who was crying (as most were doing), for some reason this girl stood out, I talked to her, asked her what her pain was, she told me. I don’t remember what I said to her, I’m fairly certain I wasn’t the one talking, the Holy Spirit was. The next day, during the counselling time she asked if she could come see me. She walked in with the amazing smile, and the 4 words she said after sitting down fixed all my broken pieces, she said ‘I believe in Jesus.’ That was enough to make me see what God has been trying to tell me forever. I finally accepted that God had a much better plan for me, and that what he had promised last November was coming to pass, I could see it right in front of my eyes, and I never wanted to turn back, and I knew I wouldn’t, all I had to do was ask Him for the strength the push through, all I needed to do beyond this was to wait on Him.

I think moments change us, and sometimes I think it’s for the best. Actually most times it’s for the best. I think when we feel that things are too broken to be fixed, like a broken heart, we need to let God intervene, and we need to let him take over. Unbelievably the heart is not as broken as it may seem, and broken glass always makes the best mosaic.

Sometimes the most beautiful works of art come in the form of broken things that were pieced together.

People will break you, people will hurt you, people will leave you, people will use you, but you need to know that none of these things will ever destroy you, 

Especially when you have an amazing God.