I have chosen to start this post with a poem from my ‘The
Word Series’, this poem sums up what my raging emotions look like. It is also
something I hold very close to my heart, I have started writing a series of
poems which I call ‘Poems to You’ they are not written for a specific person
nor do they have a recipient. They are just written because I have been given
these beautifully essential words.
And now, to begin my post
2014|THE YEAR IN REVIEW BY THE GIRL THAT WAS
Moments, this tragic yet insanely beautiful year was filled
with so much pain, loss, hurt, heart break, stories, joys, change, and
eventually ends, that it can only be summed up in one word, Moments.
There were tragedies that questioned humanity itself, and
I’d love to talk about all the wrongs that were done to this planet and its
civilization, but not right now. I have come to believe in this essential
truth, there is, and always will be a specific moment for everything, nothing
happens by chance or by mistake.
2014 had moments of great tragedy, an insane amount of
tears, and moments that changed the course of life as I knew it.
I wasn't prepared for the pain that would come along with a
broken heart, nor was I prepared for harsh truths that shook my roots and shot
a bullet hole through my heart. I’d grown up believing I wasn't worth a lot,
and that to be given love I’d have to love selflessly. I looked for this thing
called love under the bed and in the corners of a dark room, I looked for love
in words and smiles, I looked for love in a boy. No one will ever tell you
this, but never look for love in a boy, never look for love anywhere but
yourself. I loved selflessly, but the timing wasn't right nor was the person
and eventually trying to push it pushed everything.
Timing – This one word is so important; we tend to always
forget we don’t really have a lot of time. We use it on the wrong people, the
wrong things and the wrong moments, and then we regret.
Regret – It is such a strong word that would break a heart.
I don’t regret a thing. Having no regrets is something that changed the way I
look at 2014. The inevitable loss occurs non the less but one thing about
having no regrets is, you know you were meant to loss the person at some point.
Loss – Tragic would sum up the amount of loss this year
bought me, not only physical loss but emotional loss as well. Death chose to
take a person very close to me, it left me gasping for air at 2am. But life
stole more, I lost love, I lost friends, I lost pieces. I broke hearts and I
got my heart broken, I lost.
Heart break – I promise to prepare the young ones for this,
I promise to prepare my children for this. The harsh truth of life, heart break
is inevitable, and so essential in forming our own image of ourselves. I had 2
choices when I felt my insides die, I felt the rain fall and I felt my
surroundings flood, and when the water took over me, when I was drowning,
that’s when I could finally breathe. I chose the light over the darkness that
surrounded me.
|You not wanting me was the beginning of me wanting myself|
But how can a year be filled with so much loss, and not have
an equal amount of gain?
Love – A 4 letter word, no definition, no explanation,
nothing. Love is just love.
Self-love – A few moments caused a bulldozer to go over my relationship
with God, and to be honest, I kept telling God he left me not realizing I was
the one leaving him. But then one day I was introduced to this emotion, this
kind of love I never knew existed, I was introduced to self-love. I would deem
myself inadequate every time I looked in the mirror. Inadequate I am not,
because now, every-time I look into the mirror I am reminded of why God created
me, and his love never really ended or gave up on me, all I really needed to do
was love what he created.
Joy – I found joy, being someone, being a sort of
inspiration to the kids I’d volunteered with.
I found a resurrected love for baking and making something
that could bring smiles. I found joy in travel, and discovering a city alone. I
found joy on this journey I've chosen to take myself on.
I found a job, an insane journey that has been, but it also
continues to be one of the most joyful things I have ever done.
I may have lost a lot of important people, but I found a few
that define the word family.
Family isn't always blood, family sometimes ends up being
these beautiful people you meet on your journey. What I find most beautiful in
a person is almost never physical, I fell in love with so many minds, so many
hearts touched mine, and on this journey I found family.
I finally understood that home isn't a place or a city, home
is the people you feel most at home with, the ones who understand you, the ones
who hear you crying cities away, the ones who end up being your 3am phone
calls, the ones you opened locked doors to, the ones who had the key.
I learnt the subtle difference between love and lust. My
sister thought me that, and after what seemed like a very hard life, my sister
found her happy ever after, my sister found love.
And I could go on with the year that has been. But I’ll stop
here. I changed, multiple times, and I changed, into someone I think I love, I
think I've finally changed into me.
In life we have moments, we don’t get forever’s, we get
moments, we get choices, we get happy or sad.
Always choose happy
Always choose happy
Always choose what brings you joy, choose what fills your
heart with love, and never settle for less.
Choose you | I chose me
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